This system of life

What is work for besides looking after one's quality of life? This life is... like this. I want to be an actor. Say I get a few good film under my belt. I get paid a couple million dollars. I buy a house, still get along with family after a few arguments, go on the road trip of a lifetime, take my family on to a vacation of their lives. Settle down. Meet a girl. Be able to sit by the pool in the summer sipping martinis. Then what? I wanted to be an actor and now that I have everything. What now?

What is the drive of the human? Because if it's to drink martinis, I've already won. If not, just pull me to the grave because I'm not sure if I am living.

The Fright Stretch

Of course, we've heard that phrase "do something that frightens you every week or day or month" to keep things lively. Gosh, I want to do that. So, I'm going for it.

I have this hobby that I was into for a few years. It frightens greatly but I have to try it again. I can't stop thinking about trying it again.

Oh what is the point???? Frighten yourself. It'll change you. Somehow and you'll appreciate it later.

Compassion's Limit

I consider myself a pretty compassionate person. I have helped and nurtured many folks in my 31 years. And I am so humbled in many ways for these experiences.

What I have discovered in this vein is when to halt my action or when to let go to make due for themselves; to be self-sufficient. When does compassion become enabling? When does helping others discouraging others from discovering new things about themselves? This is an on-going theme that surrounds my sphere of influence.

This easily brings up the idea of the obligation to provide your own kin things they want. Also, parental obligation rings high in this vein. We want the best for others--- for our mothers and fathers, sons and daughters, friends and perhaps our acquaintances, and strangers. But where do we draw the line? That is the question.

People want what they want. And getting what they want will bring them happiness. Well, what do I have to do with their happiness? Everything.

And perhaps, nothing.

Youth Apocalyptic

The sight of parents playing in the park. There they are. Parents watching their children have fun. Only a blink of an eye in geologic time, parents are subject to time management and soon they become distant to that fun.

See, their children haven't forgotten how to play. They revel in simplicity. And while the parent bickers on the phone about their utility bill, the kids play on. The kid still lives in the moment. While the parent chimes in once in a while and says "oh good honey".

Youth. The thing is within reach at all times. And when the hands of youth are shown the door, wrinkles start to form and we wonder how we've grown so old in so little time.

Perhaps the key to youth is to keep jumping on trampolines, put our hands up while sliding down, and forget you're a parent at all.



But what do I know... I'm just a kid.

Blessed I am today as I have been. I watched "It's a Wonderful Life" again last night. It seems as though I lived that kind of life but in a longer span of time. Of course, this is what the movie is portraying. Life can be tough. But it's about getting an attitudinal change. That's difficult to do. That took me at least 5 years to do. Just to understand the concept it took a few years of partial re-socialization. Most people don't have that luxury to live in a different place with different people and somehow see yourself different so that you can more aware of faults, goods, bads, and follies. I am blessed. When you find those opportunities, just jump, you'll live better.

In the Ebb of Feb

My body is tired. Not exhausted. Just slumpy.
But I feel great. Basketball has been my past time.
For the last few months. Mom, Cousin Dave, Uncle Paul-
We all play 'horse' or 'pig' a few times a week. We have a hoop
in our court yard (parking lot) and it helps me relax when I get
home from work. More often than not, I ride my bicycle home but
still feel like getting my body moving and my heart pumping.
Sports-playing is therapy for me. It takes me out of my head and
I am ever-so grateful for that.

Mom's been getting quite good at b-ball! I would say I can't believe it.
But when you get out on the court frequently, you get better...
I am so proud of her. She's been playing frequently.

Seriously, my life couldn't be better. I have a job. A decent job working
with decent people. I'm learning new things there. For the good or bad,
I'm learning to speak up when I need to because otherwise certain folks
will just chew you up and spit you out if you don't take a stand. I'm learning
to be more confident in my tasks and taking initiative. I do a lot of talking on
phone which I enjoy compared to starring at the computer screen creating documents.

I have a family to love. I don't think I have been closer to any of my family
members. I listen to great music and sing when I cook food. I am so grateful
to come home to a clean and healthy home.
.....

Family History
More good news is that I have learned more about my family history. My aunt Cathy
put together a family tree years back, however, I didn't take much interest when
my Mom showed it to me then. A few days ago, I started reading it and made some great
observations. Those documents tell me that my Mom's dad side of the family were Germans living in Russia.

The text says "On June 4th, 1871, the Imperial Russian Government issued a decree abrogating the manifestos of Catherine the Great and Alexander I". As German colonists, my family didn't have too many concerns about living in Russia before the decree, however, this all changed. So in the late 1800s, tens of families left Europe and sailed across sea into New York. Eventually, some emigrated to Nebraska. They were some of the first Germans to settle in Sutton, Nebraska. There, Mom's grandpa's parents got it on. They conceived Mom's grandpa. And it was there that Mom's grandpa got it on and had Paul Otto Schwarz, Mom's papa.

One of the ironies of this family thread is that Mom's papa fought in WWII. For the US, of course. As he was in engineer on a B-52 bomber, a "Flying Fortress", his plane was shot down in 1943 over his family's original country, Mother Germany. Yet, he survived being a prisoner of war for about a year. Mom still has her mother's newspaper and Western Union telegrams stating "Your husband is missing" to "Your husband is now a prisoner of war". Quite frightening I must say to a wife who was taking care of her only child at the time. Eventually, his crew and himself were released from the German prison camps and safe back home.

Years later, they had 5 more children. My mother the third down the line after her father came back from war.

All of this is just now unimaginable to me. I can never even attempt to understand what was going on in my grandpa's(or grandma's) head while he was a prison of war. I heard he tried to escape a few times. Maybe he just wanted to be back where his wife and child were living yet he stood in his own kin's backyard.

However, maybe he was prepared to do something ever-so-risky as his ancestors did when they sailed on a ship on the Atlantic ocean seeking a better life away from the Imperial Russian government.
.....

So, here I am in the midst of this beautiful life. It's not always been this way but as I told my Uncle Paul after a long game of '21' in basketball (he beat me), I mention I am so grateful for everything that has happened up to this moment because this is the happiest I've ever been. After some discussion about death, attempting to find the reasons why things happen, I just smile and live another day.
......


No matter how hard I try, I will never understand the depth of this existence. I just can't. Maybe when I die, I will. But until then, why not have the funnest, most grandest life one could possibly live.

Let it be in January

Already two months have passed and here we are in midst of the end of 2011.
I am 29 years old now and I don't feel a day over nor younger. I have had the great privilege to encounter people that have provided a sense of love, care, and compassion. And to that, I admit, that I am truly blessed.

The road to life seems to be full of highways and byways, detours and stop signs, but it seems as though I"m addicted to what life has to offer. Because some of the people in my life have supported me, I am in absolutely enthralled with the beauty of life. I seem to have a cockeyed way at looking at things but all in all, there is relief in that I am learning to love life. I admit that I tend to see the world for all of its ugly and beauty simultaneously. For that, there are bouts with downs and ups.

2012 approaches and I am here in Sacramento working full time for the American Red Cross. I think about my girlfriend in France. Mom and I spend time together laughing and conversing while tolerating each other in midst. My Dad and I have been hanging out occasionally. My sister and I are having good chemistry. Mom, Dad, Melissa and I all spent time together during Christmas day and it was wonderful.

Life is beginning to unfold with clarity and memory. The days of fog are wearing off and tend to have more of a linear outlook in assessing what is going on with my life. This is a good feeling. Of course, this comes with several implications. My work demands such thinking and the result of this has provided me with a renewed way at looking at my life. That is, logic is becoming clearer to my unilinear way of approaching my daily living. Yet, I still maintain my right-mindedness through different mediums.

The last weeks, I have been thinking much about re-entering improv comedy and taking scene lessons once again. The idea of marching back on stage takes hold of my attention. Acting, to me, has always meant being- the state of. I still hold that unilinear and lateral thinking are my prioritized ways of intellectualizing the world around me. In other words, I am learning to become more rational through my intellect yet my imagination's foot is still pressing the unilinear gas pedal. I'm finally learning to articulate myself better. This allows me to better communicate with the people around me whom I hold so dear to my life. I hope that I can return the favors to them. Yet, I know that things that have been passed my way cannot be returned equivalently.

I'm so grateful for this opportunity to have life at this age within this space and time. I know I can be a thinker that thinks "larger than life", but rest assure, I've seen people fall- who are now alive or dead, and I have learned about the fragility of life. I recognize how gentle human beings are and it amazes me that not only I am still alive to enjoy the beauty of it all but that I have encountered so many people that have their positive antennas in full function despite the tremors that inevitably will happen.

I will begin now to live the rest of my life even better. Stargate 2012 here I am.